Examples from my own marriage. First – his baggage:

I was given the advice from some very godly and knowledgeable women when I was having a very difficult time with the way my husband spoke to me. This baggage was brought in from the environment he grew up in. Although I was reluctant to say too much when asking my Christian friends, the advice I received was to be submissive, wait and the Lord would work with him. While it is true that the Holy Spirit is at work in our Christian husbands, however unfortunately, without action on our part, we may not be performing our God given responsibility to help our husbands see biblical truths they may be blind to, and especially I was not helping him to understand that this behavior was unacceptable to the Lord. Unfortunately, we separated for 1 ½ years and the Lord intervened on our behalf when an OPC Women’s Retreat (many thanks to the Orthodox Presbyterian Church of New York and New England) that I attended. The main speaker was teaching on John 8:36, "Therefore, if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed." This teaching helped me to gain strength and conviction that I needed to get back with my husband. At the end of the conference, I went directly to see my husband, knocked on the door and proceeded to firmly express my love for him, exclaiming, “I love you and I know you love me. What can I do to make this marriage glorifying to God and be the wife you need and help you to be the husband you want to be before the Lord." We found our way to a most beautiful embrace and some very profitable discussions that including catchphrases to help him stop speaking in a way the Lord would not be pleased. Some of what my husband mentioned that we especially found helpful was for me to say, "Is that any way to treat the love of your life?” We were on our way with the help of the Holy Spirit, and the Word of God being the Ultimate Marriage Counselor. I am so grateful to His work in both of us to have just celebrated our 36^th year of marriage.

Now my baggage:

My parents separated when I at a very young age and then divorced after attempting reconciliation several times. Neither my mother nor my father were believers at the time. My Dad ultimately came to know the Lord much later in life. A lack of experience regarding this issue caught me by surprise as I had no understanding of what a husband should be like in any form, good or bad. We saw my dad infrequently and when we did, it was only for portion of one day a week with little observance of my parents interacting. I began to develop a husband of my imagination, one that had the qualities of Joseph and the loved me like Christ loved the Church. This is an especially tall order to fill for any husband. After receiving some very wise counsel from a Presbyterian Pastor’s wife, she asked me if I was coveting what I thought a Christian husband should be like. That “hit the nail on the head” as they say, and the answer to that was yes, I was. I had no other perspective. She helped me to understand more about the reality of being married to a sinner, redeemed as he was, however still a sinner with a lifelong goal of sanctification for each of us. I promised him that I would speak up and let him know when I was bothered about something and not retreat into a silent cocoon as had been my practice.

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Every husband is unique as you are.

Men and women think differently (as if you didn’t know). A goal is to throw the “ego” out the window and be open with each other. This is typically more difficult for the husband, where typically we struggle with being defensive. I would question my husband on various occasions why a particular man acted this way or that, or didn’t approach something as I would have. He quickly spoke up and shared with me that men are not that deep. This was very helpful as I realized that I should not expect my husband to react in a way I think he should in my mind, but that he will be operating in the way he can relate in the way a man’s mind works. I am not saying that you need to think like a man for this to work, what I am saying is to attempt to process the issue through the way your husband would think about it from his viewpoint. They truly think on a different level as the Lord has made them and if we keep attempting to understand their interpretation through our womanhood, there may be a disconnect that will most likely not make much progress.

It is okay to ask him, if he is willing to share, why he feels a certain way. Although, ladies, be careful as getting into the “feelings” discussion is not one of their strong points. Not to stereotype all men, however you most likely have already discovered that it helps to be on a level that is simpler and more direct and minimize emotion, if possible. It seems to me that most men cannot "hear" what we are saying when our emotions dominate us. If we present in a way that will be easier for them to understand, we may have a different outcome, which is the goal, of course. As you prepare to build your case, your attention and focus should be on the passages from the Word of God to help him see the situation as God would see it This requires work, effort and courage, however, it is excellent work where God is pleased and will bless your efforts if He is in the center of the conversation.

Talk About It Later

After you have presented your case, even if you are pleased that you were able to get your biblical points in, you may get a reaction where one or both of you find yourself in the heat of passion, and begin to get angry or frustrated. This is exactly what you don’t want, however do not lose heart, you may have just hit a nerve. It may also be that you have some work to do at building your own credibility. Your approach may be a different than what you used in the past; very few of us are good at this until we work at it through trial, error and prayer. As long as you are biblically correct and react in a calm yet firm way with conviction, your voice will be heard. If you feel appropriate, you could chose to close the conversation if it is not going well and suggest that you both pray about the issue and talk about again at a time when you are both calm. You may both need to think more clearly which is necessary to present your biblical help to him ultimately, and he will be more receptive to take it in. Even if you are able to present the issues to him in what feels like an effective manner, he may not respond right away as quickly as you expect, however, if he is a man of God, he will take it in and think about it. We know the Word will not return void; so, continue to pray about it and try not to bring it up again, unless the issue occurs again. We want to ask the Lord to bring it to his heart and help him as you help him to be the best husband before the Lord.

The alternative

If all of this seems like hard work, you are correct, it really is. However, the alternative may be worse. Many Christian marriages go through the motions until the Lord comes to take us home. Ask yourself if He is more glorified by growing in grace, or maintaining status quo for both you and your husband? You may find you and your husband are growing apart and more focused on activities away from each other with work, children, grandchildren, friends, and working toward your own growth in grace. Is that what you believe the duty of our role in marriage? Ladies, the Lord chose you to marry your particular husband with his unique ways and weaknesses to fill what he is lacking, and him to fill your needs. I am not saying that by undertaking this duty, you will soon be rid of the difficult stresses you may have in your marriage, however through this you can rest assured that you have done all you could to be the best helpmeet to your husband before the Lord. This will help you get over the issues, and handle them in a more understanding way, if nothing else. The Lord also works through your prayers. I remember a very difficult time, which I made my usual statements to no avail. Sometimes, like with all of us, it takes time for something to process. During this time, praying in earnest for a better outcome has led to many apologies on one or both sides and a closeness with understanding the sin and correcting it without saying a word. What a blessing for this outcome as well!

Thought questions:

Do you have work to do to build your credibility with your husband after having approached situations in an unbiblical or sinful manner in the past?
Have you thought of a way to make things right?
Do you think that you have "baggage" that you need to share with your husband and ask him to help you overcome an issue?
Did you take the time to observe how best to present a topic for discussion with your husband? If not, you can also ask him how he thinks it may be best for you to have better communication with him and how best to show him something the Lord has put on your heart. There is nothing like laying it on the line!

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